A Decade Past

Ten years ago I was sitting in my barracks room, dreading having to go into work on my day off to study for my Career Development Course exams.  It was a gorgeous day, and I was in an otherwise great mood because I had just gotten approval to move out of the barracks into my own apartment out in town.  I flipped on the TV, then called my mom.  I remember not quite really knowing how to say good-bye to her in that phone call, because how do you say, "I'll talk to you later" while your country is being pummeled with attack after attack and not knowing when it's going to end?  But I hung up the phone and, despite everything, drove to the annex where I worked to start studying.  Once I got there (a little over an hour after we were attacked), the base was locked down and I was studying for much longer than I originally intended.  A few hours later, they escorted a few of us back to our cars, and I drove back to the base where my barracks were located.  My car was searched.  My ID was checked.  Up until this point my military career, as long as I had a base sticker on my car, the gate guard would wave me through without stopping.  In the decade since the attack I have always had a base sticker on my car, but I've never been waved through the gate again.  There is always a stop now to show my ID.  The next day it took me two hours to get into work two miles away because of the searching of each and every car.  I was late for my exam, but it hardly seemed important, even after months of studying and preparing.  It took me another two hours to get home to my barracks.  For more than a week my 5 minute commute became 120 minutes each way, and sitting in my car all that time listening to news report after news report, my inconvenience seemed trivial.

My then boyfriend was just back from shore liberty, on the USS Peleliu in Australia, watching his country get attacked from afar.  I had just visited him in July to see him off.  In the airport I had walked with him to his gate!  Imagine, walking someone to their gate!  Their ship had left from San Diego a month before 9/11, on a routine "cruise" around the world, doing what Marines do:  training, training and more training.  Steve was an Arabic linguist at the time.  I had no way of contacting him any time soon.  E-mail was locked down, and he was in transit, so letters took weeks.  As soon as I realized what this attack meant for him and his friends aboard the ship I had what I think of now as a rather embarrassing breakdown.  Luckily I lived alone, but I called my mother again, in tears, selfishly wondering how I was going to handle him being in combat.  At twenty, everything going on in the world seemed to revolve around how I felt about it and how it would affect me.  Given the navel gazing in this post, I suppose not much as changed, but then again I was planning on not writing this post for that exact reason.

I feel sort of silly, now, writing about where I was during all of what happened on 9/11/01.  Why does it matter where I was when so many were dead and suffering?  My husband came back from the war (and two years later he came home to me again after another war).  I am so blessed.  He was unscathed and we married and have two beautiful sons.  So why does it matter where I was?  When I think of that day I think of my insignificance and helplessness among all that suffering and trauma.  But it is hard to avoid the "where were you when" emotions and questions, especially among the blogosphere and on Facebook, so I came across this post in my reader just a bit ago and felt encouraged to write everything down after reading this:

I feel like I am finally able to admit, perhaps boldly, even though I did not personally suffer tragedy on 9-11, that we all suffered. I was traumatized. I never felt it fair to feel that or certainly not respectful to say so. I still feel so much grief and sadness when I think back to those raw emotions of watching the story play itself out, changing second by second, as I was transfixed for nearly 24 hours a day with a baby who barely even knew she was out of the womb let alone think it appropriate to ever sleep more than a few hours. So it was myself, Isabela, and the television all night long, so many nights. I would not let go of her. I needed her to need everything from me. And even though the contrast of what I was holding and what I was watching could not have been more opposed to one another, I am grateful that I was constantly reminded of the Good because of her precious, new innocence. Like a pill I had to take every three hours as I nursed her, to convince myself that there was still enough good, when I think so many of us questioned it. Didn't we? Thank God for good. So much of it all around us.

So I wrote down my story.  Even hearing the news and watching the memorial coverage today, so many who lost so much on 9/11 seem to have a story of redemption and courage and goodness that came in the next decade.  There is so much good here in this world, so much to be thankful for even amongst tragedy and heartbreak.  Remembering on a day like today and what happened 10 years ago, I am especially thankful that Love has conquered death.

On Children

Number 1) I do plan on writing about our big move and our new home sometime soon; it has been a real whirlwind around here, but I had to get some other thoughts on paper first.

Number 2) I don't like to disclaim my posts, but I will say that none of this is a condemnation of others' choices. I just get to thinking and then I decide I need to publish my thoughts because I'm a glutton for punishment I like the feedback and discussion.

Recently, I had the chance to catch up with a good friend over the phone and we talked about a lot of things. Of course, the topic of children came up (as it always does with us girls!) and I mentioned that I wished I had started having children earlier than we did. The discussion meandered from there, but something struck me and I ended up having an involved discussion with my husband about it later that evening. What has been eating at me was the notion that young married couples, or newly married couples need time "just to themselves" before they have children.

Here's the deal: my husband and I didn't start "trying" for children until we'd been married for just over two years. Our reasons back then were mostly financial, but I think for me, the idea of having kids right away did not even enter my mind as a responsible thing to do. And then it took us two years to have our first child. We basically had four years to goof off as a married couple, doing what we wanted, when we wanted. It was a wonderful time for us, but it did leave me with one big problem that has been exasperated in my "childbearing years": selfishness. And aside from physical factors like wishing I had my early twenties self to chase my toddler around, my development of selfish habits and ways of thinking is the biggest factor in wishing we had our children earlier on in our marriage.

Of course having children straight away into marriage is a radical notion that raises a lot of eyebrows, even Christian eyebrows, who also would acknowledge that children are a blessing from the Lord. Why the contradiction? Something my husband pointed out to me is that the main reason God makes husbands and wives into one flesh is to raise Godly offspring.

Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. --Malachi 2:15

Thinking on this really got me. If my main purpose in life is to glorify God, and his main purpose for my marriage is to have Godly children for Him, then what was I doing putting this off for my own reasons? Even if those reasons sound totally reasonable and not at all selfish?

So I really wonder why this sentiment of having children soon after being married became regarded as irresponsible or crazy, even by evangelical Christians. Have we bought into the world's way of thinking that we better pack as much fun as we can into our years before kids, because when they show up the fun is over? And if we do think that way, what kind of attitude are we going to show to our children when they are here? Are we going to be looking for "me time" and "date nights" away from our kids because that is what we need just to tolerate them on a daily basis?

I don't have all the answers, because I struggle with my own selfishness daily. I just want to read one more blog before getting Ethan his snack. I just want them to nap a little longer so I can finish what I'm doing. And oh, remember when Steve and I were able to just go out on our own and I didn't have to worry about what I would wear that was easy for nursing, or what time to be home because the baby-sitter has a curfew?

The problem is that God sent us these children and they are a joy to him. He delights in them. He uses them to sanctify us women (1 Timothy 2:15 - one of my favorite verses!). And when I put off that sanctification in the beginning of our marriage in order to "have more fun" or "get to know my husband better before the hard work of children comes", I think I really missed something in God's Word along the way. And, of course, I say this now as someone who did have, what I believe to be, a misunderstanding about what my ultimate purpose is in life. I do want to goof off with my husband, I do wish sometimes that it didn't take half an hour to get out the door to do the simplest of errands, but God designed this for me. And it is so amazing that he entrusted these little souls into my care. So why was I putting it off?

I'm not a legalist, I don't think that people should never use birth control to manage the size of their family. I do think it is about intention and what someone's heart is telling them. My favorite non-biblical quote on that issue comes from a Credenda Agenda article that I read a long time ago (which is really fabulous, you should read the whole thing!):

So if a Christian couple have bought all the current propaganda, and they are diligently limiting themselves to 1.2 children, then they are allowing the current false assumptions of the world to dictate to them how the Bible is to be read. But if another couple know that children are a blessing, and they use birth control in order to "space" their seven children, I would be hard pressed to say that this was an example of some kind of compromise. A man can have a high view of apple trees and still not plant them a foot and a half apart in his orchard.

Anyway, all that from one phone call with a friend! Hopefully she doesn't mind being my jumping off point! ;) And it's not all her fault, I've been reading this lately that also got me contemplating about how I'm raising my kids and where I need to grow.

I think the next post will be a photo tour of our new home. Pretty easy and no real thinking or controversy involved, except maybe my husband's exasperation at having to move that big painting again because I just want to see what it looks like on this other wall.

Keeping the Homefires Burning

Well, here is my first post for 2008! I know you all are super excited.

I have to say that this year is not starting out on a particularly great note as Steve has just left for a 3-month deployment. However, I am thankful that it is only 3 months as opposed to some of the year-long tours that the Army and Marines have to endure. The other neat thing about Steve's deployment is that he is in the same place that I was deployed to in 2004. In fact, one of the first things he did upon his arrival was to go check out where I used to work. So now he knows where I was for those 4 months.

For Christmas, Steve and I got each other a digital camcorder, so I'm going to try uploading some of our Christmas footage in the upcoming days (preview: one of my nephews exclaims, "I'm a thepard!" and proceeds to chase my dog around as one of his "theep").

Ethan's doing really well these days. My favorite new skill that he has mastered is head control. It is still a little wobbly, but for the most part he can keep it steady to look around while I'm carrying him (which makes carrying him so much easier). He isn't rolling over yet, but puts a lot of effort into tummy time. The thing is that he has never really been bothered by being on his tummy, so he doesn't have much incentive to try and get to his other side. Here he is trying to figure out how to work one of his Christmas presents. It is a sweet little rocking chair:

"I can't believe they want me to fly this thing. I can't even sit up for more than half a second!"

"Alright, I suppose I will give it a shot."

I got him a Bumbo chair from eBay and I'm excited for it to get here so he can try it out. The rocking chair is a bit advanced for him yet, even if he does look cute in it. My father-in-law has uploaded some other pictures from our Christmastime here.

Chit Chat

Well, I am officially on weekly OB appointments now and looking into the final stretch of this pregnancy. I cannot wait to meet this little one! My sister-in-law and her husband came up to visit this past weekend, and hubby put up a lot of pictures on his Flickr site. A couple of people have told me that it looks like the baby has "dropped" but I honestly can't tell. I am having a lot of braxton-hicks and a few mildly painful contractions here and there. I am planning on going late, so I don't get anxious in the meantime (yeah, right!).

Oh, I also put a link to my Amazon Wish List on my blog. That thing is a Godsend, because I can never remember anything when people ask what I want for my birthday or other holidays. Now I can just look stuff up and keep track of it all year round.

I must stop this post here, however, because it is only delaying the inevitable of me going to get the oil changed on the car!

Some of These Things Are Not Like the Others

So you've seen Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty (which I enjoy immensely, but find a little disingenuous since Dove sells products that supposedly make you more beautiful), and we can all appreciate what goes into making a real person look like a model for a print or TV ad.

Here's another something along those lines. No one argues that the subject in question is a beautiful woman, but the folks at Redbook seem to disagree about exactly how beautiful she is before airbrushing. (Link was courtesy of The Common Room)

I don't really have too much of a problem with wanting to look like a model, minus a small spell of insanity during my sophomore year in high school when I got my friend Jessica to give me a makeover for YM's CoverGirl model contest. It was a short lived venture, because once I saw the polaroid of myself after the makeover, I knew I would never look like the girls that won that contest. And I learned that a lot of makeup was not at all flattering on a 15-year-old.

Anyway, I hardly ever wear makeup now, except for special events and when I'm feeling extra girly. Hubby says he prefers me without makeup anyhow. And I prefer to defer to what he prefers. Say that five times fast!

This post is getting long and rambling. And I have things to do this morning! Time to get my rear out of the computer chair!

Thoughts on Impending Parenthood

This is going to be one of those stream-of-consciousness type posts, so just bear with me.

Last night, Steve and I were running some errands it was quiet in the car and I was thinking about how tired I felt. I then thought about my dreams of having a big family and disciplining all of the children we might be blessed with and classically homeschooling them and most of all, growing them up to love the Lord. I think at some point I just remarked to Steve out loud, "It's going to be hard to homeschool our kids." He said, "There's no doubt about that," and we arrived at our destination and I started thinking about what kind of chair we were going to get from OfficeMax. :)

Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about the sheer amount of work it is going to take to raise the one child I have on the way, and then the thought of having a quiver full is quite daunting, honestly. I want so many things for my future children and all of the things I want take a lot of work. I know those of you with kids are probably thinking, "well duh, Jodi!" and it's not as if I haven't thought about all of this before, it is just that now all of the work is coming closer to being reality, if that makes any sense. My struggle with these thoughts is that I have always been sort of a tired (maybe even lazy! gasp!) person, and hard-working is not a way I would describe myself. So, I worry about being motivated and able to do all the things I have in my head that my kids will need from a mom.

So today, I was reading the blogs I normally read and over at The Dominion Family, I found this little gem:

At one point in the conference Andrew said that the opposite of rest is not work but rather restlessness and I think that sums up the conference rightly. Rest is not a lack of work or order. We don’t find rest in homeschooling by giving up order. Order helps us achieve rest. Work helps us achieve rest. Restlessness involves anxiety. “The lesson of modern education is anxiety.” The solution to anxiety is acceptance and repentance.

A light bulb went off in my head when I read that...the opposite of rest is not work! It makes so much sense to me and what I've been struggling with in my head regarding my own laziness and disorganization. A concrete example of how this would apply to me is that, sure, I can put off cleaning the kitchen and let dirty dishes pile up, but I wouldn't be at rest just because I wasn't working on cleaning the kitchen. I would feel restless about the mess until I took care of it. And, yes, disciplining and educating my kids is going to be constant work, but I will feel more at rest (or at peace, or content) to know that I am doing what needs to be done, rather than have wild, unruly, uneducated children. :)

After thinking on all of this, I will have to remind myself (daily or hourly as the case may be) that I feel more at rest cleaning the house than I would sitting on the couch watching TV!