On Children

Number 1) I do plan on writing about our big move and our new home sometime soon; it has been a real whirlwind around here, but I had to get some other thoughts on paper first.

Number 2) I don't like to disclaim my posts, but I will say that none of this is a condemnation of others' choices. I just get to thinking and then I decide I need to publish my thoughts because I'm a glutton for punishment I like the feedback and discussion.

Recently, I had the chance to catch up with a good friend over the phone and we talked about a lot of things. Of course, the topic of children came up (as it always does with us girls!) and I mentioned that I wished I had started having children earlier than we did. The discussion meandered from there, but something struck me and I ended up having an involved discussion with my husband about it later that evening. What has been eating at me was the notion that young married couples, or newly married couples need time "just to themselves" before they have children.

Here's the deal: my husband and I didn't start "trying" for children until we'd been married for just over two years. Our reasons back then were mostly financial, but I think for me, the idea of having kids right away did not even enter my mind as a responsible thing to do. And then it took us two years to have our first child. We basically had four years to goof off as a married couple, doing what we wanted, when we wanted. It was a wonderful time for us, but it did leave me with one big problem that has been exasperated in my "childbearing years": selfishness. And aside from physical factors like wishing I had my early twenties self to chase my toddler around, my development of selfish habits and ways of thinking is the biggest factor in wishing we had our children earlier on in our marriage.

Of course having children straight away into marriage is a radical notion that raises a lot of eyebrows, even Christian eyebrows, who also would acknowledge that children are a blessing from the Lord. Why the contradiction? Something my husband pointed out to me is that the main reason God makes husbands and wives into one flesh is to raise Godly offspring.

Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. --Malachi 2:15

Thinking on this really got me. If my main purpose in life is to glorify God, and his main purpose for my marriage is to have Godly children for Him, then what was I doing putting this off for my own reasons? Even if those reasons sound totally reasonable and not at all selfish?

So I really wonder why this sentiment of having children soon after being married became regarded as irresponsible or crazy, even by evangelical Christians. Have we bought into the world's way of thinking that we better pack as much fun as we can into our years before kids, because when they show up the fun is over? And if we do think that way, what kind of attitude are we going to show to our children when they are here? Are we going to be looking for "me time" and "date nights" away from our kids because that is what we need just to tolerate them on a daily basis?

I don't have all the answers, because I struggle with my own selfishness daily. I just want to read one more blog before getting Ethan his snack. I just want them to nap a little longer so I can finish what I'm doing. And oh, remember when Steve and I were able to just go out on our own and I didn't have to worry about what I would wear that was easy for nursing, or what time to be home because the baby-sitter has a curfew?

The problem is that God sent us these children and they are a joy to him. He delights in them. He uses them to sanctify us women (1 Timothy 2:15 - one of my favorite verses!). And when I put off that sanctification in the beginning of our marriage in order to "have more fun" or "get to know my husband better before the hard work of children comes", I think I really missed something in God's Word along the way. And, of course, I say this now as someone who did have, what I believe to be, a misunderstanding about what my ultimate purpose is in life. I do want to goof off with my husband, I do wish sometimes that it didn't take half an hour to get out the door to do the simplest of errands, but God designed this for me. And it is so amazing that he entrusted these little souls into my care. So why was I putting it off?

I'm not a legalist, I don't think that people should never use birth control to manage the size of their family. I do think it is about intention and what someone's heart is telling them. My favorite non-biblical quote on that issue comes from a Credenda Agenda article that I read a long time ago (which is really fabulous, you should read the whole thing!):

So if a Christian couple have bought all the current propaganda, and they are diligently limiting themselves to 1.2 children, then they are allowing the current false assumptions of the world to dictate to them how the Bible is to be read. But if another couple know that children are a blessing, and they use birth control in order to "space" their seven children, I would be hard pressed to say that this was an example of some kind of compromise. A man can have a high view of apple trees and still not plant them a foot and a half apart in his orchard.

Anyway, all that from one phone call with a friend! Hopefully she doesn't mind being my jumping off point! ;) And it's not all her fault, I've been reading this lately that also got me contemplating about how I'm raising my kids and where I need to grow.

I think the next post will be a photo tour of our new home. Pretty easy and no real thinking or controversy involved, except maybe my husband's exasperation at having to move that big painting again because I just want to see what it looks like on this other wall.